* Mere Walking Billboards

 
Why do so many people wear clothes with brand names on them? 
 Hadley Freeman 
The answer is simple: it's because they are morons. And not just morons – multi-level morons.

For a start, they think that somehow flaunting the name of the shop from which they bought the garment makes them look cool. This means they are brand snobs, which is bad enough, but what makes it even worse is that the brands themselves are always ones that any sane, thinking person would try to hide from the world, such as Sloaney pony Hollister, or the sluttishly ubiquitous Emporio Armani (that Emporio Armani sure gets around: there is not a man on this planet who hasn't had a bit of Emporio Armani splayed across his chest).

Thus, while this column obviously abhors any kind of prejudice, it is perfectly acceptable to shun these people, not because they are stupid (although that, too), but because they are saying they think you're stupid, because they think you are as impressed as they are with their label flashing. Now, that's just rude. So shun them. Shun them hard. They need to be taught the error of their idiotic ways.

Second, they fail to see that they are merely being used by the brand as a form of free advertising. Again – moronic. They are like those unbelievably dorky kids from summer camp who used to believe the camp counsellor when she said that tidying their bunks extra quickly would make them really cool. Worse, seeing as these idiots are willing to pay to advertise the brands, it is no wonder these companies then decide they probably don't need to fork out money to advertise in magazines and newspapers. Ergo, they are killing the press. Morons!

Third, they paid extra money for that label to be sloshed across their clothes. Lots and lots of extra money! Obviously, as I have never soiled my hands by picking up such a garment, I cannot tell you how much more they have paid for the privilege of being walking adverts. But seeing as they are morons, it is likely to be by at least an extra £500. Per letter.